Dreaming, Setting Intentions, and Keeping Yourself Accountable

Dreaming, setting intentions, and keeping yourself accountable are not easy in the world we currently live in. Our society has built systems that erode the individual and collective spaces that hold these generative processes. This is a powerful time of year to begin to reclaim the space of pausing in the darkness to be with yourself, dream new possibilities, and lay the foundation for what you want to create in the world.

In this episode of Mindset Unlimited, I share insights and tips on the power of dreaming, setting intentions, and keeping yourself accountable as we head into a new year.

Some of what I explore in this episode includes:

• Embracing end of year energy (darkness
• The importance of pausing and why it’s hard
• Understanding intentions and creating accountability
• You don’t have to be perfect, just present

Have thoughts or questions about this episode? Share them with me!

Send me a voice memo: https://www.speakpipe.com/MindsetUnlimited

LINKS TO REFERENCES MADE IN THIS EPISODE:

 Lord Of The Rings Facebook Post  

A Swiftly Tilting Planet – Madeleine L’Engle

How to Manifest What You Want 

How to Plan for the Future and Enjoy the Present 

How to Avoid Overwhelm and Access Joy in a Time of Change 

Done With New Year New You

CONNECT WITH VALERIE:

Ask Valerie (anonymous form)

Sign up for Valerie’s newsletter

Apply to be coached on the podcast

Schedule an exploration call

This podcast was produced by Valerie Friedlander Coaching

Proud member of the Feminist Podcasters Collective

Transcript

Valerie Friedlander: 0:00

Hello, my friends, and welcome to the final episode of season five of Mindset Unlimited. Mindset tips, tools and inspiration for women in a time of change. I'm your host. Valerie Friedlander, ICF, certified coach, sociologist, intersectional feminist, artist, mom and nerd, and today we are talking about dreaming, setting intentions and keeping yourself accountable. It is the end of a calendar year, and I always take a little bit of time at the end of the year to reflect on the previous year, and this year, it's been a lot. This is I know that it has been a heavy year, and I think we knew it going in there was a lot of talk about, yikes, 2025 and here we are at the end, going, Oh, yikes, 2025 and we want to step into a new year with hope. And it's hard. We have endured a lot this year, and I know I have personally as well as professionally, as well as being in this world and navigating the social, political, all the things. So I just want to invite you for a moment to take a breath. I often invite you to pause, and I think in pausing right now is particularly invited. I was planning on doing kind of a reflection on the podcast, and as I started it, I went, ooh, I need more time for this, because this year has marked 10 years as a solo practitioner coach and five years doing this podcast. And that's a lot to take a look at, and I can feel this change energy in place. I don't know exactly what it's inviting, but I know it's there, and I know some of the steps to lean into that. I recognize that this is challenging for a lot of people. It's challenging for me too. So I thought, rather than doing a reflection on the year or the past 510, years, I would instead talk a little bit about the time and why this is a good time to do this, not just because it's when I started everything. I realized I have a tendency to start and end things in November, for some reason, not like that's the most energetically aligned time on so many levels, but it is a thing so beyond that. Though, why is this a good time? We're going to talk about embracing the end of your energy. Talk about the importance of pausing and why it's hard understanding intentions and creating support for accountability, and possibly the most important of all, remembering that you don't have to be perfect if you are looking for support as you enter a new year to engage any of These processes, just to get some clarity, some discernment, to have support in accountability and how you want to move forward in a new year, I invite you to sign up for an exploration call. I am going to be closed through the last two weeks of the year, but come the New Year, I would love to chat with you and offer you whatever support I can. So there's a link in the show notes to sign up if you just have a question you'd like me to engage on the podcast in the coming season. You can also send me a little voice message and let me know, or email me. All of the links are in the show notes, and now, without further ado, let's get started. This time of year, we are in the darkest part of the year the solar cycle, at least in the northern hemisphere. So for everybody in the Northern Hemisphere, we are entering into that darkest part right before we move toward the light. And not only do we have the darkest part of the solar cycle, but we are heading into a new moon, which is the darkest part of the lunar cycle. And while there is a lot of stuff in our social psyche around darkness. It is a fertile period. It is a really important part of the cycle. I was recently rereading the book A Swiftly Tilting Planet by Madeleine langle, and there was a quote in there that stood out to me. That says darkness was and darkness was good, as was light, light and darkness, dancing together, born together, born of each other, neither proceeding, neither following, both fully being in joyful rhythm. And that joyful rhythm is something we miss when we cut one out. It is hard to go into the dark because the dark is unknown. We can't see what's in the dark, and we don't know what we'll find. There's so much mythology around what we find in the darkness. I think you know, as a sci fi nerd, the scene where Luke goes into the dark cave and has to confront Vader who is actually himself, that dream of self confrontation. And that is something that happens in the dark. It's also where we rest, where we rejuvenate, and where we create, where we generate. It is something that is not very conducive to an extractive system that wants us to just keep going and not stop and move all the time and produce all the time, and not question, not look at ourselves, ourselves as individuals, ourselves, as a collective, and go, What are we doing? And rest and care for ourselves. So there's a lot that's been demonized about the darkness, and yet this is where we must enter. We must go in and take a look at ourselves, and this look doesn't always necessarily look like specific reflection, like walking through all of the things and analyzing all the things. It's not necessarily like that. I was listening to someone I deeply respect in their spiritual journey share about an experience they had going on a month long retreat, and the reflection and reading and awareness that came and one of the awarenesses that came to this person was how practices are support to be ready for the moments where insight, where guidance occur. So it's not necessarily the practices you know, the practice of reflection, of journaling, of going inward, of taking that space. It's not necessarily in those moments where we'll have the Epiphany, where we will have the awareness, but what it is is preparation. It is preparation to notice when our intuition says this, here it is, or when we get that nudge that tells us to keep walking or turn in a particular direction, those little small voices that we would miss otherwise, the practices of going into the dark, of resting, of rejuvenating, of Listening, of journaling, all of those things where we dream about what we want to see in the world, what we want to see in our life. Those are all preparation for the action, for the steps that we take. The other thing that he said that really stood out to me was a quote probably from 19th century Danish thinker Soren Kierkegaard, and it said, life can only be understood looking backwards, but must be lived looking forwards. And that stood out to me because one of the places of tension that I have often experienced in my life is the how do I plan for the future and be in the present? And this desire to understand all the things, and the bottom line is, I can't understand all the things. I'm not designed to my brain is not meant to understand all the things. Even in looking back, I'm taking a particular perception that all of my experiences have created. Like if you've ever talked to a sibling who went through an exact same experience but had a completely different perception, we have a filter that we understand the world through, and that's just normal, that there's nothing wrong with that, and knowing that it is all just part of a process. It's part of a journey, and that's okay. The other thing I wanted to mention about darkness I almost forgot, is. Is to look at light so literal light. There's been so many studies about the impact of light on our brain and on our cycles and blue light, and how we shouldn't have our devices on before we go to bed at a certain point, and all of that sort of stuff. And so it's really important to think about, what are the things around us that support us in what we want, in our life, in the world, and so it could be as simple as not having certain lights on. Now I say that, and I'm like, well, is that simple? Because we have these really addictive devices that make it hard to not use them, and that's where the changes that we want to step into come into place before we can get to identifying those things that we want to change, like our relationship to devices before bed. It could be not our relationship to devices entirely, though that might be part of it, but just at this particular time before we can do that, setting an intention for ourselves. Why? What is the purpose? What is important to us about this, connecting to that bigger picture for ourselves, and this period of time when we're invited into the darkness and to reflect is where we may discover an intention. An intention isn't just a thought. An intention is how we focus. It influences that perception, that mindset, the way we perceive things in our past, in our present, in our future, how we understand the world. Our intention can create a filter. It is also action, how we move, that invites more of that in. Some people like to center in on a word. Some people use a phrase. Some people create a whole sentence or a paragraph. Businesses will have a mission statement and a vision statement that centralize what is important and how they will move in the world, not that everybody always stays accountable to that or does it in integrity. So that idea of an intention is part of how we stay in integrity through accountability. So I'll pull this together in that what we start with is turning inward. Not is a doing, but as a being, giving yourself space, slowing down, pausing, a practice of not doing. Even you might think about it like that, of like, I'm just not going to do. Maybe you do need some more structure to it, like I'm going to journal, and you have something that guides you in your journaling, if that's supportive, but that time, that's not about, I'm not trying to create an awareness. I am trying to prepare myself. It's like, I suppose you could say it's like training for a marathon, where you practice when you're doing the stretches and all of those things. It's not that's not the marathon, that's the preparation. Well, giving yourself pause, giving yourself space, creating practices that support that are all part of that preparation. And then we do life, and then we go out into the world and we show up. And when we have an intention of how we want to show up, that guides our focus. It helps us notice the things. And then we do then we have that commitment of taking action. We have accountability. And accountability is, if this happens, then I'm going to do this. And if I don't do this, then this happens. And this happening of not doing isn't about beating ourselves up. It can simply be a recalibration. So if I don't do the thing, then I'm going to check in and go what happened? What stopped me? What would support me in doing the thing? Is the thing actually the thing, or maybe I need to pause again and having that time to check in. Now, this is not supported, and we have so much conditioning our brains love patterns, and they will default to the known patterns when there is stress, and we live in a society full of stress. So you might be like Val, then how do I do this? Well, it takes a little extra effort, and it takes the awareness that this is part of it. That to do something different requires these pieces of pausing, of engaging ourselves with care, recognizing that it's not just cognitive. It's in our bodies. It's in our hearts. It's the feelings that we want to evoke, that we want to bring more of in. Those are those intentions. Maybe they're values that we hold. And my dad talked about a moral compass that he found really helpful. He found it in the Tao and having that as a tethering point to check in and support practices that might be different when we want to step into something different, because our brains like patterns. When we're doing something that is unknown, unfamiliar, it can feel dangerous, and our survival mode kicks in. Our stress response kicks in because we want to stay safe, and we don't, in this society, have a lot of support to do something different, so we tend to turn towards the things that are already familiar. So to have accountability to the things we actually want can also mean creating support systems for ourselves to be in the discomfort be in that liminal space between doing one thing and doing another thing as we learn, it's messy and that's scary, because we're taught that we're supposed to be perfect and we're supposed to get everything right and we're supposed to just know and do and that's just not how it works. So I just want to validate that it's okay, that it's messy, and if it's important, again, tapping into what is important about this, then what do I need in order to do the thing? What would help me and building in that support for that middle space between what is known before and what we want to be known. And it might be that we don't know exactly what that is that wants to be known, but we know the feel of it. That's something we find in that darkness, that's something we find where we know the heartbeat, we know the flow, we know what it feels like. And when our body goes, Ah, there's danger here. That is not what we think it should feel like. And so then we turn back and go, Well, this must be wrong, because my system says this is wrong. And it's like, No, we're just in that in between, space between when we want something and when we have it, when we know there's a story about catching a monkey in a cage where there's a banana in the cage, and the monkey can get its hand in without the banana, but it can't pull its hand out with the banana, because it's too small of a hole. And this fear of letting go I have this thing, and the other hand is empty, and this hand is full, and I don't want to let go of this thing that I know, even though it's keeping me trapped where I am. So then we have to dream. We dream what it looks like, what it feels like, and we connect to the courage, not the confidence, but the courage to go after it. Why is it important enough to step through this space? And maybe we grab onto somebody else's hand, maybe we create a supportive container for us, other routines that keep our brain tethered to something familiar. Well, I know I always do this, and so this helps me feel stable while I change this other thing. So we're not changing everything at once. We're just changing one thing at a time, one important thing at a time. And maybe if an important thing feels too big, we change a smaller thing, and then we have those check in points where we go. How is this going? Is this moving me in the direction I want? Is this how I want to move? I think about the travel analogy, and I've used this a lot, where you're in a car and you're going someplace, but maybe you don't want to be in the car, maybe you want to be on a bicycle, or maybe you want to be on an airplane or on a boat, and you still want to go to the same place, but you want to go there differently. Or maybe you want to go in a different place. And you want to stay in the car. There are different pieces where we're going, how we're going, the experience of going there. Are we taking a lot of stops? Are we just driving straight through as fast as we can? What do you want your experience to be like? This is part of where we dream. So just to recap, going into the darkness first, to dream, to imagine, to practice being in an open, regenerative, rejuvenative space where we don't have to know, we don't have to have the answers. We're just seeking, we're just listening, we're just exploring. We're just open, caring for ourselves. And then we can set an intention. How am I moving? And sometimes that intention can come through that dreaming darkness, space how am I moving? How do I want to show up? What experiences Am I inviting into my life in this season? Could be this year, could be this quarter, whatever that looks like for you, shorter, longer, whatever supportive setting that intention and then deciding what supports you need, and when you're checking in. When do I check in on how this is going? How do I feel? What pivots or adjustments do I want to make? And finally, as I've said, actually, but again, you don't have to understand it all. You don't have to have all the answers. And it's important to remember that on this journey, sometimes the most important things are not obvious. There was a post recently on Facebook that I saw talking about the journey of Frodo in The Lord of the Rings, and how the resolution of that journey, the quest resolves because of a chain reaction of restraint. The decisive force is not discipline, not optimization, not grit, it's pity. It's when first Aragorn, then Gandalf, then Frodo, have restraint in doing the thing that seems the most obvious. They care about another person they refuse to destroy. And it's that that allows evil to be destroyed in the end. And it was a great post. I'll link it in the show notes. It was, I don't know if it's actually written by Ginny Harrison. The Internet is a weird place, but I really appreciated the message in there, remembering that life is messy, and that's part of it, and we're all doing these things together, so it's not just on you, and it's not you being perfect, it's you being as you, as you can be, and Not expecting yourself to be more than that, but striving to be more you to be who you want to be. Finally, I am going to take some time to reflect on where I am and where I've come, and perhaps that'll be shared in the next season. I'm sure some aspects of it will be, some of the things that I know will stay the same in looking over several of the writings over the years that I have put down as to why I do, what I do, and what is important to me. It's about helping people tap into their inner GPS and make loving, conscious choices as they navigate life. Some of what I wrote on that was to tap into means to access through the shoulds and the shell of expectations, advice and quote, unquote, right way stuff we've internalized our GPS is the spirit center, that of you that knows beyond fear, self knowledge and awareness, the inner light, that of God within access to a limitlessness where you have infinite creativity And the ability to design your life and make choices to move towards what you want, as well as live in your life in the present moment. It is the source of confidence and of joy. And recently, I also wrote that I want to live in a world where everyone is free. To shine where we each are seen and held with care and joy. We contribute and receive because we are in community. We don't have to earn a place. We have a place because we are worthy of one, just for being. We honor ourselves, each other, all our relations, our planet. Leadership is how everyone shows up, not with pressure to perform and earn, but with presence, compassion and ownership, self possession and collective accountability. My mission is to transform the culture of leadership from control to co creation in a Swiftly Tilting Planet. Early on in the book, Mr. Murray says the world has been abnormal for so long that we've forgotten what it's like to live in a peaceful and reasonable climate. If there is to be any peace or reason, we have to create it in our own hearts and homes. So that's what I'm striving to do, and I'm going to take some time in this darkness to reflect. If you would like support and to connect. Please reach out. There are spots in the New Year open on my calendar. I would love to support you any way I can. So please connect. If you have things that you'd like me to engage in this podcast in the next season, please leave me an email. Leave me a voicemail on the little link where you can record a voice memo for me, and I would be happy to receive those as well. I wish you all so many blessings, so much love, and I will talk to you all next time.