It's Simple, So Why Am I Not Doing It? [coaching]

Have you ever really wanted to do something yet kept not doing it?

The woman in this session came to me because she wanted to write a book and she couldn’t figure out why she wasn’t. All her natural obstacles were gone, and she had the perfect conditions for finally doing it: stable income, older kids, stuck at home… yet she still didn’t write. 

In this episode of Unlimited, we dig into what creates “stuck” and develop practical steps to taking action with added inspiration from a surprise visitor…

Some of what we engage in this episode include:

• Creating clarity to motivate action
• How we create obstacles to action
• Tapping into current habits to lean into new things
• Releasing control & attachment to outcome
• Developing self-trust through action
• Utilizing your stress response to get things done

Thank you for listening! If you enjoyed this episode, take a screenshot of the episode to post in your stories and tag me!  @unlimitedcoachval
 
 I love to hear your thoughts and I'm always happy to answer any questions.
 You can shoot me an email at valerie@valeriefriedlander.com or DM me on Instagram
 
 AND don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast and tell me your key takeaways!


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Transcript

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Valerie Friedlander: 0:00

Hello, my friends and welcome to another episode of Unlimited. Today I am speaking with a woman who is finding herself at a bit of a crossroads. She's the president of a nonprofit for her school district as a way to be of service, but she's looking for her next thing. And she's feeling called to write a book. She's been talking about this for years, she's been meaning to do it, especially since the pandemic hit. She was like, "Oh, I have all this time." But she hasn't done it yet. And while she's writing short blog pieces, she's feeling increasingly stuck and frustrated with herself when it comes to writing anything longer. In this episode, we are exploring what it means to follow a calling and actually discerning the difference between a calling and people shoulding on you. So one of the things that she talks about is experiencing people say, "Oh, you, you're so good at this, you should totally do this". And sometimes when people should on us, it's a should. It's like this pressure, they're wanting us to do something because of them reflecting back to themselves from what they see in you. Sometimes, it's people actually seeing something in you that resonates with you. And in this case, that's what's going on. But there's a bit of a exploration around what does that actually look alike. But one of the things I like to keep in mind as we explore is, is this something that's really wanted? Or is this something that feels forced, and it's like, I want to do it, but it's not actually what I want to do, which comes up a lot, and can be one of the reasons why we aren't doing something. Another reason is because it feels big, it feels too big, it feels bigger than us. And oftentimes, that is what a calling looks like, there can be resistance to stepping into it, because it's not actually something you have control over. So that's something else that we explore is the idea of releasing control, even when it's something that you're creating, which ties into that idea of releasing an attachment to an outcome. We also look at how do you harness things that are already working, to feel more empowered to step into something new, and addressing the difference between real obstacles that actually need to be engaged, and excuses that are things that need to be released? And how do we navigate around those excuses, and overcome the resistance to stepping into something new, that has a lot of weight to it, because anytime we're feeling called into something, not only do we not have full control over it because it's bigger than us, but it can feel intimidating because it's bigger than us. And because there's a weightiness to the responsibility of stepping into a calling. So without further ado, let's get started. Hey there, I'm Valerie Friedlander, certified life business alignment coach, and this is unlimited. This podcast bridges the individual and the societal, scientific and spiritual, positive and negative, nerdy and no, there's just a lot of nerdy. come on board and let's unlock a light. That's as badass as you are. If this session gives you a win, like you come away going, that was successful, I got exactly what I needed. What would you say it happened?

Client: 4:00

I think what really inspired me to even ponder and answer the question about what I would like to get out of coaching is that I feel a little stuck with something that I shouldn't I know, I shouldn't be stuck with. And so I think the outcome that I would, I just want to get unstuck.

Valerie Friedlander: 4:24

Okay, so tell me a little bit more about where you feel stuck.

Client: 4:30

Okay, so basically, I find myself in this position right now where I have this blank slate in front of me, I'm in my 50s my kids are on their path. So I have a 17 year old and a 20 year old and they're both doing the things that they want to do with their education and their part time jobs and my spouse and I have have a small business together, but over the last few years, I've really phased myself up out of that business, and so that I could pursue things that interested me. And I've done that to some extent. But the number one thing that I really want to pursue is writing. But I have a couple of opinions about that. I feel like I come to writing with some preconceived notions about what that looks like, where I can write a short essay, or an article. Or you might call it a blog or something along those lines pretty simply, when the thing I really want to do is write a book. But I feel frozen about which direction to go. So do I want to write something more nonfiction? Do I want to write something fiction and because of it, I feel paralyzed by inactivity, I just don't do either. So I spend a lot of time analyzing, planning, putting it in my calendar to do it. But I don't do the actual writing. So I think about it a lot. But I don't actually physically do it.

Valerie Friedlander: 6:07

Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, when when you're in indecision, that is a space of inaction. So not making a decision will naturally do that. Um, so you said that you wanted to be unstuck, what would be different for you if you were not stuck?

Client: 6:26

So, I don't feel like it would be this major shift, I feel as if I would just be doing, I feel like the only thing that would change would be the actual writing. I mean, it sounds so simple. But if it was simple, I wouldn't be having this conversation, I suppose. Yeah. I mean, that would be different. I mean, when I put write something, anything in my Google Calendar, I would actually sit down and write something anything. Yeah. Instead of saying, oops, that time came and went. I'll do it again. Tomorrow. Yeah.

Valerie Friedlander: 7:11

You would be doing something. You would actually be writing? How would you feel if you weren't stuck?

Client: 7:17

I think I would be surprised at how creative I am prepared to be. There's moments when maybe I'm reading a book about writing or listening to a podcast about writing where I feel like I'm moving my own needle forward by building up this stockpile of confidence yet, if I don't put words on the page, I'm not a writer. I guess.

Valerie Friedlander: 7:50

Honestly, like the more times that you say, you're going to do something, and then don't do it, the more you train yourself that they're that you're not confident that you you can't do it. And then the more the perfectionism can build up, so that all of that makes sense.

Client: 8:12

I think that there is a component of perfectionism, there, the irony is that I feel that it's very incongruous with a lot of other aspects of my life where I just do. And so where I can, when I when I'm put in a position to maybe help somebody else or someone else needs assistance, or, you know, I action has never been something that I have not taken. Call that, you know, call the customer service line or write the letter or, you know,

Valerie Friedlander: 8:51

I'm, I'm, I'm curious, because what you just said, kind of jumped out with you, in other spaces, don't hesitate to take action, and then you listen, doing things for other people. How often is that true? Where you just take action when it's just for you?

Client: 9:06

Well, I would say that when I have a project that I know, could be completed, simply, I take action, you know, if there's a room to be painted, or a trip to be planned, or an outfit to be bought, or an application to complete those things that deliver when I can finish a project, and I can see the end in sight. It's very easy for me to do that. Mm hmm. But in this particular case, I have I, I'm perplexed, it's perplexing.

Valerie Friedlander: 9:42

Well, so what you just described totally makes sense. Because when you have clarity, when you know like, what the goal is and what where you're headed, like, you can create a path towards it. So that clarity will naturally make it easier to take action, whereas it sounds like kind of what you're Creating and the where you want to go with a book with writing is unclear. And so it's kind of just sitting there spinning.

Client: 10:08

I do think I do think you're right, because I don't really know exactly which direction I want to go in. yet. I feel like it's something I want to do. But I, you know, I, I don't risk myself to do it. Yeah. Even if it was just for myself, even if I wrote something and never shared it. Now, I do write short pieces, right. I do write essays and marketing pieces and things along those lines. But the actual writing of a complex book has eluded me.

Valerie Friedlander: 10:44

It sounds like it's a little overwhelming.

Client: 10:47

Yeah, it I think it is overwhelming. But it goes back to what you said about perfectionism. Like, I can't see the end. So I can't start.

Valerie Friedlander: 10:56

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, you don't really know.

Client: 10:58

I don't know how to do that

Valerie Friedlander: 10:59

You don't know where you're going. Um, okay, so what would be the purpose of writing a book?

Client: 11:07

So... It's a great question. So, my whole life, I've, you know, I've worked a job doing the, you know, the day in the day out, and have come to a point in my life where I've been offered this time to find something I want to do, and I write well, and I often get feedback from folks. And it's been going on for a very long time. You know, you should write a book, you should write a book, you should write a book. And there's a little bit of that thing. They call it like imposter syndrome, where I say, what gives me the credibility to write a book, you know, the, I mean, I've taken writing classes, you know, I'm I'ma do all the things except the thing, right? And I've found that the style that works really well for me, is very sort of memoir style of writing, you know, sort of that truth telling, real life style type writing, it works really well for me, I can really tell a story, you know, that's real. But what I've always been fascinated by is actually the telling of an of a not a real story, like of a made up story. I mean, that it's absolutely fascinating to me, when I read a book, I think about how did this person come up with this idea? This is, so where is this book going, and I'm always looking for the sort of the, the tools that the writer uses to take you in one direction or misdirect to and and so I've wanted to write something, even though my inclination is to be a nonfiction writer, I really want to write something like write a novel. And so it's just this desire to do it. Like I just feel like, I would be a good writer. And I would like to see my name on a book. And I feel like I have a story to tell. yet. I'm not 100% sure what that story is, I see snippets of a particular story in my head, yet. I don't know where it's going. So I don't know how to do it. And so some of its functional some of its purely functional wit, where on my computer, do I open up and start, you know, on a blank page? Or do I write it in a journal? It's a lot of this paralyzing nonsense of avoiding doing it?

Valerie Friedlander: 13:35

Mm hmm. That's actually very common to find all the excuses not to write something or not to do something, when there's an underlying fear of what would happen if you do it. So I'm wondering, what's the worst thing that would happen if you started writing?

Client: 13:55

Yeah, I don't. This is this is where the logical person comes in. Because I have the time to do it. I have the permission to do it within my circle of people and family. I have some skill. I don't have to do anything with it. I'm not committed to having a book on a shelf and Barnes and Noble. I mean, I'm just, it's just the thing, right? So I don't know there is no worst thing. The worst thing for me is the fact that I you know that a year has passed. Since the last time I said I'm going to sit down to write a book and you know, how did 365 days pass this last winter and the winter before that, I mean, this is not a new story in my life. Meanwhile, lots of other things have happened. I mean, things have come and gone and projects have happened and very little travel has happened. Because of 2020. But things have happened and been I've had closure on a lot of different projects. And so I get the satisfaction of a That closure and feel like Well, my time hasn't been badly spent, although I haven't, it hasn't been well spent either. In terms of moving towards this goal of writing.

Valerie Friedlander: 15:10

Well, it makes sense that there'd be some of that feeling of lack of closure or not well spent just because this is something that's been weighing on you. It's been sitting with you. So I'm wondering, what is important to you about knowing whether it's fiction or nonfiction?

Client: 15:30

I don't know. Yeah, I don't know the answer to that. You know, there's, there's a part of me that has had a history and a life and experiences yet, sometimes you read a book that's maybe a more of a memoir style, like a nonfiction book about me and my experiences. And I feel like I want to protect other people. Like it's not my story to tell everyone story, and not looking to out anyone or bring down the house. And not that I think that my story would necessarily do that. But there's, there's sort of like that memoir nonfiction, and then there's the that how to space, maybe writing something that might be of service to someone else. And I I do like that idea. But I don't know what's important about it being nonfiction or fiction. I, I just feel like the time when I do invest the time I do want to write something and I would like it to be a fiction book.

Valerie Friedlander: 16:37

Okay, well, I asked

Client: 16:39

in a circuitous way.

Valerie Friedlander: 16:41

I asked that just because there's, there are books that are fiction that hold truth, right? Like truth isn't necessarily a specific thing like facts, right? There's facts. And then there's truth, like a deeper truth in life. And oftentimes, art is all about speaking to a deeper truth. Jim Carrey actually just talked about writing his book, and it's full of fiction, but also truth. Like he fictionalizes real people, talks about them in a way that didn't actually happen, but speaks something to the character of the person. And it was a fascinating way of conceptualizing like how you can speak truth and write fiction. So that's that kind of is what came up like as you were talking about, like, I want to do these things. And they seem separate. But I wonder how separate they actually are.

Client: 17:44

That's a that's an interesting observation that you drew out of another writer, I think that that's very interesting. Because I honestly don't think I could, I'm not one to make I'm not a fantasy person, either. You know, so it's not as if I have a language sitting in my back pocket waiting to write a book to just utilize the language or, you know, that we've heard Lord of the Rings was, was that kind of experience? I, I'm not somebody who has a world created. I feel like the story that I would write would be contemporary would would make sense to a lot of people. And, and so I like the way that you just said that, because there's reality. And there's truth. Like, I think that makes a lot of it makes a lot of sense.

Valerie Friedlander: 18:31

And within that the idea of helping others, sometimes hearing what other people say, and their journey is exactly what someone needs to be able to have an aha or an awareness. I mean, it's part of the reason why we're doing these recorded sessions is because that is we're not necessarily saying "Okay, do it like this 123." But that journey, that experience. So with that, I'm wondering, let's, if we just imagine for a second, that you've written this book, like you've already done the work, you did the action, you're at the end, and it's done. And it's written, how do you feel?

Client: 19:17

I just got these kind of like, butterfly kind of agitation, feeling as you were, as you were saying that leading up to that I feel like I would be excited, and I would be nervous, and I would also be very proud of myself for having completed it. I know that I have people in my life to who would not be surprised as I would be that it would be finished. Like I feel, I feel like the end result would be sort of finally you know, finally why and I would also feel, why did I wait so long? That was so much easier than I made it To be back then, when I was talking to Valerie, like, it felt so hard. And yet, it was not hard at all, because I just did it.

Valerie Friedlander: 20:11

Yeah. Okay. What would you do? Once it's done? You feel you feel excited, you feel nervous, you feel proud of yourself, what would you do?

Client: 20:22

Well, I think I would be still doing it, I think it would be something that would fill my bucket in a way, there's an intellectual and creative piece that's actually missing in my day to day life. And I feel like it would open up opportunities for me to continue to do it. And I don't know if it would mean yes, I would have checked a box. But at the same time, I think that there's a whole lot of unknowns that would become known. And so now, I would be looking at the world in a different way. And my confidence and my skill, and my and my creativity, because I think I have one of those brains that doesn't is not linear. I'm married to someone who has a very linear brain, like if you say, a, well, then B happens, and then C happens. And then D happens. And I'm like, Wait, did you say d? I thought we wait, you know, x VZ, you know, and I jump all over the place and come back to A. And so I see myself often like that jumping from thing to thing. And I feel like if I were to be at the end of the one book, there would be all of these really other cool and interesting avenues that would probably pop up, that would enrich me in a way that so why am I not writing?

Valerie Friedlander: 21:47

So, what I'm hearing in this. And what you're describing is that being at the end of it, you would know, that was easy. It was fun. Of course, I can do this. And you'd feel excited, proud. And then you would continue, it would keep going. It's not an end, it's a beginning. And one of the things that can often stop people when, like I'm hearing that you are feeling called into this. And when you said a lot of people are telling you, you should write a book, one of the things that kind of look at is, is it a should? Or is it a reflection, and that's just the language that we tend to use. And what I'm hearing is that this is a reflection, it's more we see this in you rather than a you all you've got to do this because we think you should you know, so they're seeing something in you, it's resonating within you, which anytime you have a calling, it can often feel bigger than you. And when something's bigger than you and you're called to step into something bigger than you that can feel very overwhelming. And like you might get lost in it. So naturally stepping into it, there's going to be some resistance and some fear involved. Because..

Client: 23:09

Yeah,

Valerie Friedlander: 23:10

of what might happen. The unknown

Client: 23:13

Sure they are unknowns, they're absolutely unknowns, for sure.

Valerie Friedlander: 23:17

So that's normal, knowing that you don't gravitate towards linear, this is a calling for you. Which means that stepping into it doesn't I can it's it's about you, it's about your process, how you process best. Where do you find that you write best?

Client: 23:37

So when I am writing, it's often I write in very short bursts. And so I use I write best at my kitchen counter on a computer. I mean, I,

Valerie Friedlander: 23:50

What program do you use?

Client: 23:53

Well, I write in Google Docs, okay. And it's funny because I just queued up a podcast, you know, how to write in Scrivener, how to in so I do a lot of I do a lot of like this crazy prep about instead of just picking up a notebook? Yeah, writing, you know, an outline or writing some notes down when you write other things. And it feels like it flows.

Valerie Friedlander: 24:21

What are you doing?

Client: 24:23

I'm sitting down purposely to write.

Valerie Friedlander: 24:25

Okay, do you read an outline in a notebook?

Client: 24:28

mm-mm

Valerie Friedlander: 24:29

Okay.

Client: 24:30

I write very... I just write and one of the things that has worked for me recently is actually I use a voice recorder. And in Docs, I just use the microphone and I just start talking what I want to start writing instead of even wasting time typing, I just talk it for however long a minute or so, and that commits something to the page. And then I go back and I start writing from there. And we'll write edit change from there. But that always sort of starts me off. And I find that that works really well because I get a good chunk of words on a page fast. Okay?

Valerie Friedlander: 25:17

So you write, you tend to write in short bursts. Well,

Client: 25:21

Sorry, there's a ladybug on my... where did it come from?

Valerie Friedlander: 25:27

Okay, animals come into our life to kind of give us little reminders. Ladybug, I just looked it up real quick. It's enlightenment, renewal, regeneration, fearlessness, protection, good luck wishes being fulfilled. Take what you will from that. But I feel like this, this ladybug is here to to give you a nudge, letting you know that there's a thread here into the future that you don't need to control.

Client: 25:59

Right.

Valerie Friedlander: 26:00

And I'm wondering how that might be playing with the resistance of that need to control what it looks like, instead of letting it be what it becomes.

Client: 26:15

I know I have an issue with that. I've been told, releasing myself from control is, is a thing in my life. And why I've chosen to focus on this aspect of my life is interesting.

Valerie Friedlander: 26:37

Yeah. So I wonder what would it look like to let go of control over what this book looks like?

Client: 26:44

Yeah, I would like to. And I would like the first line to be "A ladybug landed on me today."

Valerie Friedlander: 26:52

Okay.

Client: 26:54

And it just might be, it just might be, that'd be so cool. I wrote that down, as we were talking.

Valerie Friedlander: 27:00

All right. When do you typically feel inspired to write?

Client: 27:08

I'm most inspired when I have to. When I'm committed to something, you know, when I'm taking a class, or I'm in a workshop, or, you know, I've gotten an assignment. And so I feel like I keep trying to give myself assignments. And yet I fail myself, I feel like I don't do well by giving myself assignments. But in terms of the physical day, time, hour, I must sort of mid-day person I like, I find myself by myself, often these days during the day at my computer. And I like to do it when I'm not interrupted by my life, you know, when there's not a dinner to make or someplace to be or someone else's schedule. And, and so someone might look at my schedule and say, like, you have the perfect schedule for this. I do have the perfect schedule for this.

Valerie Friedlander: 28:02

So I'm hearing with the assignment piece that there's something to do with accountability. You're having a certain level of accountability outside of yourself.

Client: 28:13

Yes.

Valerie Friedlander: 28:14

Okay. And then mid-day is a good time, how often is mid-day a good time? Is it a daily thing...?

Client: 28:23

Ummm. It could be very regular. Because I also get hyper focused when I'm doing something that I want to be doing. You know, it can happen fast. I mean, yeah.

Valerie Friedlander: 28:34

What do you believe about yourself when you're writing? And if it flows?

Client: 28:39

What do I believe?

Valerie Friedlander: 28:41

Uh huh. About yourself? When you're writing?

Client: 28:43

When I'm writing, I trust myself more than when I'm not writing. I trust myself to get to the end of the of the piece quickly. And so I that's what I think,

Valerie Friedlander: 28:54

Okay, so you, you trust? Is it just that you're going to finish the piece? Like what what's true about the piece when you're finished?

Client: 29:02

Um, well, it's hard to not be specific, I suppose. But when I most often I'm writing something. I feel like I can say what I need to say and that, while I'm writing it and, and get it, you know, I can get the concept across and complete the action complete the thought. I mean, I see it when I'm writing it. Okay, when I'm actually writing, I actually like see what I want it to be when I'm writing.

Valerie Friedlander: 29:32

So that's interesting. I wonder if the bigness of it. Yes, part of the issue is that when you're in the middle when you first start those short pieces, at what point do you clearly know what it's going to be?

Client: 29:51

Most often I go in with a general idea of what I'm going to write and I know pretty quickly if Going to work or not? And if I can't, if it can't flow that I stopped and I do something else.

Valerie Friedlander: 30:05

What does it mean for it to work?

Client: 30:09

So I have a writing commitment that I do month, once a month, and I sort of know what my parameters are, I know how long it has to be and, and so when I sit down to do that particular piece, for instance, I know if I have enough to say, if I can deliver it, and finish it in the space of time, so it works. If it's, if it's clear, if it's you know, if it's, if it has a little bit of a message, if it's funny, if you know, I just I can tell if the piece is going to be finishable. Mm hmm.

Valerie Friedlander: 30:44

Okay. So I wonder how much that idea of this will be finishable. And I know that I'll be able to say what I needed to say within that limit is part of what makes that easier and writing harder, because you don't know how long it's going to be or what exactly is going to be said it's more of an exploration. Right?

Client: 31:07

Absolutely. Even though I don't go in to my like my monthly commitment with any real, I have no parameters in terms of topic. So I could really write about anything. But yes, I feel like the desire to write something big holds me back from writing anything. Whereas the commitment to write something small is much more manageable. However, I mean, I'm not that different of a person between the two things. I mean, I still kind of wait to the last second, I don't, sometimes I'll write my piece. And I'll say, Why do I wait so long to even put this pressure on me to like complete a project, which I do I wait to the last minute and then do it. And it's done.

Valerie Friedlander: 31:52

Yeah, it's interesting. Because when we wait to the last minute to do stuff, there's a stress involved. And when we're stressed, we're in a different mode, because it's like blinders go on. So it helps when you do kind of a sprint you, you know what you're doing, and then you sprint towards it, kind of like if you were running, and you can't actually see the scenery, as you go by, you're like, Okay, I'm going over here, zoom, and you're going to go fast, speed is a key thing, and you're not going to see the scenery, you're just going to get to the end. And with what you're talking about doing, it's a different thing. Because you're tapping into a creativity, being creative, is harder when you're in stress mode, right? Because you're actually like, kind of, instead of zooming to the end, you're walking along meandering kind of observing what's around, you stop and smell the flowers. And it's a very different way of engaging now, if you were writing a book with a very, if you had that kind of clarity of like, this is my purpose, this is what I want to write, this is how I want to approach it. And then you have that outline and jump, you do it. You could write that way. But I'm not hearing that. That's what you're being called to write like, right with this, that it's right, I couldn't be that different way of doing it.

Client: 33:22

It's Yeah, the vision of this writing, that becomes more. Yeah, more of a calling more of a daily commitment. It's funny, the way you described the sort of the blinders on, I feel like I do a lot of things like that. I feel like I put the stress on myself to complete almost, and which is why I get to finished and a lot of things that I choose to do. But at the same time, I could have piles that need to be addressed, that I don't feel that same blinding stress to get rid of that donation pile yet. You know, I could, like I said before, you know, plan a trip or, you know, do something for my parent or advocate for someone or so, yeah, and I and I can see that behavior in other things, not just writing I do that it could be to making dinner.

Valerie Friedlander: 34:16

Mm hmm. You know, you can get a lot done with that kind of energy, and it is certainly much more rewarded in our society. So if you can put it on, it's definitely helpful and a lot of ways. And so what I'm hearing is that this, this book is almost an invitation to use a gift that you have in a way that allows a fuller experience of your creativity. So I wonder if that trust, like if you were to know that you're going to sit down and write and allow whatever comes that's connected to the story that you have to tell that maybe memoir but maybe mixed with fiction to protect other people that you don't want to fully tell their story. But you want to talk about your truth. And you know that you're going to say what you need to say, if you try if you go into that writing session trusting that in this session, you will say what you need to say, right now. And it will connect to the bigger thing that you need to say, as you continue to practice your writing. How does that feel to you?

Client: 35:37

It feels, you know... I get... I get very agitated when I get close to it. Yeah, if that makes sense. Does that make sense?

Valerie Friedlander: 35:45

Yeah, yeah.

Client: 35:47

But I also get inspired. Like, you know, what, a minute ago, we talked about the ladybug, or, you know, you talk about writing a memoir that maybe not be memoir, like, all of a sudden, I have like ideas happening like this. I'm visualizing stories that could be told in a way that's both truthful and not truthful and real and not real. And, and so, so I guess how it makes me feel is it makes me feel somewhat inspired. You know?

Valerie Friedlander: 36:12

Yeah. So I wonder, when you say agitated, how does that feel in your body?

Client: 36:19

It's more about it's less agitated, like, I'm not anxious. I don't get like, I don't have sort of like that elevated. Different from when we talked about how do you feel when it's finished, like, you know, like that fluttery feeling which is different. I get more of like a distraction. Like my, I feel like things start to fire. And so I'm agitated because I can't focus on like, on the thing. So you were talking and I was thinking about ideas. And I was picturing the real not real. And then I was picturing, like a real scenario in my life that happened, like popped into my head at the same time. And so agitated to me is more of like a lack of focus.

Valerie Friedlander: 37:00

Well, it so what I'm hearing you describe as almost like a, like a magnet that's reversed where they're, you know, like, you're like trying, you're trying to connect, and you're like, you're like there's this there's, there's a push away from that.

Client: 37:17

Yeah, there's both the... like both the permission to act and the fear or the pushback within myself, like, I want to go forward. I have all these crazy ideas. Let's get them down on paper. Let's start right now. And then step back, and throwing in some limiting actions and beliefs like instantly going, like, Oh, well, how what would that look like, you know, up up up above, you know, and starting to analyze at the same time. So as I'm moving forward, I'm also pushing, that's a great that magnet, that reverse magnet is like really good. That was a really good description.

Valerie Friedlander: 37:50

Well, what do you think would turn the magnet around when you notice that you're trying to connect it and you're having that resistance?

Client: 37:58

I think that's just time under my belt, having done some of it to prove to myself that yes, I can do that.

Valerie Friedlander: 38:05

Okay, so what do you what are you believing when you're feeling that push away?

Client: 38:13

I don't know what I'm actually believing. I feel like it's cliche to say, I'm an imposter. You know, we're, you know, you hear folks use that phrase. I mean, I don't know that I can't step into it. You know, the writer, author term. I mean, I feel like I can step into that. But at the same time, I don't know, I guess I guess I kind of lost what I was going with that.

Valerie Friedlander: 38:37

Well, I wonder if it's the question, because I heard you say something just now when you were when when you were describing that of like, but how do I... all the things? How triggers the brain into overwhelm frequently. Like the answer to how often is I don't know. So I wonder if asking a different question. When you notice that to like, reverse the polarity, as it were, instead of you notice that, but how, how, because that also indicates a need to control and know how, if you asked, What, what's the next thing I want to do not even need to do? Like, if I were focused, what would I do? And then do that?

Client: 39:25

That's, that's a really good question to ask for my brain. Because I feel as if I'm gonna write that down, like if I were focused, because when I hear heard you just say that it seemed very simple. It didn't feel like instead of saying,"Well, how are you going to start writing at one o'clock tomorrow?" versus if all of the things are... of all the ducks in a row and you've done your to do list and you have that time available at one o'clock..."What am I going to write about when I can sit down and do it?" It's... It is a very different way to approach the question, because it just means opening up a document and doing it versus looking up "Is there a better software?" or "Do I want to start with the right software?" And if I don't have the right software, you know.

Valerie Friedlander: 40:13

Yeah. So if everything were where it needed to be, and all the ducks were in a row, what would I sit down and write about?

Client: 40:20

Right.

Valerie Friedlander: 40:21

Today.

Client: 40:22

Yes, it's a great question.

Valerie Friedlander: 40:24

Okay.

Client: 40:25

I really like that for my brain. Because I do live in that sort of polarity of being, you know, organized and focused and distracted and creative at the same time and pulling that together. You know, I often give myself permission to just remain create may remain distracted or distractible. So if I were to not necessarily take away the permission, but ask the question differently, not how am I going to best use my day and block out the time? But now that I'm focused, how, what am I going to do with this focused time? It's good. That's good.

Valerie Friedlander: 41:00

Okay, cool. So what do you think about trying that?

Client: 41:05

I think I want to try that. Okay.

Valerie Friedlander: 41:08

When would you like to try that?

Client: 41:11

I want to try right now. Okay. Obviously, this is, you know, not timed. But I can't do it right. The second, but I will do, I will do it. I'm gonna do it tomorrow. Yeah. But I'm feeling focused, I will be asking myself that question. Yeah. Because I know for sure that there'll be a time during the day where I will feel the desire to be focused. Hmm. You know, it makes me feel very good when I'm doing that.

Valerie Friedlander: 41:38

Yeah. So the experience of being focused versus the answering an outcome?

Client: 41:44

Yeah, I don't like being stressed, so to speak. I don't like being under the gun. I don't like rushing around. But I, I'm often impressed with myself when I do something and completed in a short period of time, no matter what the thing is. And then I say to myself, why don't I do this all the time? Yeah. Because I could get so much done. If I imagine if I did this once an hour. You know?

Valerie Friedlander: 42:10

You just said something interesting. And I'm wondering, especially with the idea of sitting down and writing, you're going to write it one, you're going to ask yourself, alright, if I were focused, what would I be writing about? And, and you're going to take it from there, and maybe you'll run with some of the ideas that have come from this. Um, but you you said completed, I wonder in one writing session, knowing that you're not actually going to complete what you're writing, what would allow you to feel like you completed that session?

Client: 42:42

So I can't honestly say I know the answer to that. Because the direction that I want to take it is different and unknown. But if I have to make an assumption, I would say, I feel like when I reach that end point like that, when the stress deflates, I get sort of that exhale, feeling that it's time to move on. Okay, with something else, or something else will come up, and I'll be okay to do it. I won't feel the need to stay. But I might get that feeling. Yeah, you know, I am open, I'm open. I'm open to that. I'm really am I'm open to the I'm open to letting it feel different than completing, you know, all the laundry in the house. And I'm like, wow, why don't I do this all the time? Because, ya know?

Valerie Friedlander: 43:32

Yeah, yeah. Well, so I asked that just because in one writing session, the sense of completeness will feel different, since it's not a finished product, right. And you're used to having a finished product. So you know, kind of keep an eye on it, if it helps to have either a time or a number of words. Or if that's too constrictive. If it's just a thought that needs to complete.

Client: 43:58

I definitely will keep an eye on that. The The thing about the thing, the things that have stopped me in the past are things like, how many words should I be writing in a day? Oh, I should go research that, or what does that mean to write how many pages is in this? You know, I think that there's a lot that I don't know about writing, like I've allowed myself to, to stay unaware of what it means. And it protects me from having to do it.

Valerie Friedlander: 44:26

Hmm. I wonder how much that's true, though. That you don't know. I mean,

Client: 44:32

I don't know. I've done quite a bit of research.

Valerie Friedlander: 44:34

Yeah, I mean, I don't get the impression that you haven't learned that much about writing. I think there might be a story there so

Client: 44:42

yeah, maybe

Valerie Friedlander: 44:43

but but it sounds like giving yourself any kind of rule for this is what completed is. So just being open to completing a session of writing, when it's a bigger thing will feel different.

Client: 45:00

I think so because I have to come back to it.

Valerie Friedlander: 45:02

Yes, exactly.

Client: 45:04

So it will be a new feeling for sure.

Valerie Friedlander: 45:07

So just being aware of that, and kind of noting what that feels like, so that it doesn't that itself doesn't derail you. Yeah. Because that can be a well, that, didn't we, we feel like, like there's a somatic experience, right in our body that we, the synapses are firing and say a certain thing, and we tell stories about that. So it's very easy to go, Well, that didn't feel right. Because it doesn't feel like what I'm used to, and then that can cause some derailments. So just to kind of keep an eye on that.

Client: 45:40

Yeah, I do want to. I do want to do that.

Valerie Friedlander: 45:42

Yeah. Okay. Cool. All right. Well, I would love for you to keep me posted on how the writing goes!

Client: 45:49

I will. It's called Ladybug. Yeah.

Valerie Friedlander: 45:56

All right.

Client: 45:57

Well, thank you so much.

Valerie Friedlander: 45:58

You're welcome.

Client: 45:59

I really, that question was a great question.

Valerie Friedlander: 46:01

I hope you found some nuggets to take away and apply to your own life in any areas that you might be feeling some resistance or some stuckness. If you did, I'd love for you to share them with me whether you post about it on Instagram and tag me in the post or send me a private message and let me know, I love to hear from you. If you would like this kind of support to help you connect the dots on your own forehead and move forward with more clarity and confidence in creating the life that you want to live and making the impact that you want to make, then sign up for a call with me. It's free for us to hop on and do an exploration or if you know you want a session and you're totally cool with it being recorded. Go ahead and apply for a spot on my podcast. All the links are in the show notes and I'd love to talk to you. See y'all next week. Thanks for listening. I so appreciate you being here. If you got something out of today's episode, please share it. Leave me a review. Take a screenshot and posted on social with a shout out to me. Send it to a friend or you know all of the above. Want to hang out more join me on Instagram. Or better yet, get on my mailing list to make sure you don't miss out on anything. Remember, your possibilities are as unlimited as you are. Allow yourself to shine my friend. The world needs your light. See you next time.